Monday, June 22, 2015

Amber to Ashes by Gail McHugh


NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR
GAIL McHUGH

They were a storm I never saw coming, an unforeseen heartbreak on the edge of a
dangerous cliff.


Amber Moretti’s life changes in the span of minutes. An orphaned outsider, she is desperate to start fresh the moment she walks onto campus. In the time it takes to cross the university’s dining hall, she meets two men who bring color, air, and light to her darkened world.They became my addiction, each a needle to my next hit, my high. Brock Cunningham’s appeal is dizzying, a potent force Amber can’t deny. A green-eyed smooth talker, he instantly attracts Amber. It doesn’t take long for him to consume her every thought, her every breath. Ryder Ashcroft, a blue-eyed, tattooed, and pierced bad boy, turns Amber off immediately—that is, until he kisses her, stealing a piece of her heart, her soul. They were as opposite as fire and ice, yet I ached for them equally. Never knowing she could be broken down in so many unexpectedly beautiful yet petrifying ways, Amber finds herself falling for both men.

Immoral? Maybe. I say undeniable. Uncontained.

But one devastating event changes everything, shattering each of their lives...and Amber isn’t sure she can recover from it.

Review

WHOA!! 
I have met my newest book boyfriend! RYDER ASHCROFT!! Holy mother of HOTNESS! He is MINE!!!
Every once in awhile you will open a book, start reading the first page and you'll realize this book is about to do something to you...
This book ROCKED my world!! 
Gail McHugh is a freaking literary genius. 
I read her other books Collide and Pulse but I just wasn't a fan but damn! This book...
This book was fantastic.. Jaw dropping... Earth Shattering. It was freaking amazing. 
I couldn't put this book down. Once you start reading you are sucked into the story and you don't want to leave. EVER! 
This book is a love triangle at its finest with a story of raw, gritty emotions, with thrilling mystery and suspense and some HAWT sex scenes. 
A story where a broken yet beautiful girl falls in love with two hot guys, who just happened to love her for all her broken beauty. 
There is nothing that I can say that will do this story justice, so do yourself a favor and go get this book for yourself because its a beautiful, mind blowing, full of angst story of heart ache. You will not be let down.
Okay, I lied about not being let down... You will be, only because of the Mother of all Cliffhangers!!!! 
I sat there just looking at the last page for about 10 minutes until I could gather my thoughts... Not very nice thoughts but thoughts all the same. 
I cannot wait for the next book to be released!! 
  
Quotes: 
"But here I am, my heart bleeding out for two different men, the organ split down the middle between who it truly belongs to and who it truly loves and needs in order to produce another beat."

”I won’t take no for an answer, and whether or not you want me to, I’m gonna find your pieces so I can put you back together.” 

”Fuck. It should’ve been me. Not him. Me.” 

”My feelings for Amber, her feelings for me, Brook wanting to share her: it’s all a dangerous shit storm of emotions brewing, waiting to demolish us all.” 

”I’d rather die than fuck up this girl, this unique gem.” 

”Still, as she kisses me, her feverish little tugs on my hair, urgent strokes, and hips bucking against mine like crazed nympho says all this cat needs to know.” 

”I…Brock…God, Brock, I…love Ryder just as much as he does me, if not…more. But I don’t love him any more or less than I do you. I don’t ….think, at least.” 

”I can live without the sun, but I can’t exist without you.” 

"I think you're gonna be the ride of my life."
"I'm gonna kiss you, Ber." His words come out as a husky whisper as he lifts his head, pulling my face a breathe a away from his. "And it's gonna be a kiss you won't soon forget. It's gonna be a kiss I want burned into your fucking memory whether or not we get together. One that'll make you hate every other kiss from anyone else after me. You'll have no other choice but to think of this kiss when another dude gets his lucky chance." 

"Holy shit of all fucking shits. I'm making you mine. You know this, right?"

"You're gonna be mine, do yo hear me? No matter what I have to do, I want you to be my girl."

"I hope that you'll become my first for a lot of things."
"I hope that I become everything you need in your life." 
"I hope there never come a times when you think I'm an asshole. I hope that at least once a day, even if only for a second, I can make you smile." 
"I hope that nothing I ever do makes you cry, and most of all, I hope that some part of you eventually trusts me enough to let me into your heart. Really let me into it." 

"It's her eyes-not her face, ass, or tits-that nearly mutilated my heart the first time she looked at me." 

"Through she's completely oblivious to it, and a little of her rocker, theres nothing about her that is truly phenomenal. She's a spitfire. My match in every way possible." 

"There's not a second that goes by that I'm not thinking about you." 

"I knew she was cut from a different cloth from all the rest. I felt it in my bones, in the hollow of my chest. Completely rocked, I felt it in the way my lungs burned, making it hairdos fuck to breathe. I don't believe in premonitions and stupid shit like that, but I saw it all the day she fell in my lap. I saw her not only in my bed but as a permanent fixture in my life. I saw her wrapped in my arms after a long day, felt her lips on mine before I kissed her. It was as if I knew she was suppose to be mine. But I fucked it up, and the only place she wound up, other that hanging out with Brock, was in every waking thought I've had since."

"Sweet Christ, her smile is the most goddamned beautiful thing I've ever seen. Pure fucking candy to each and every single one of my senses." 

"I may not be in her every waking thought the way she is mine, but right now, Amber's giving me something greater than that.... She's allowing me to enter her empty heart, guiding me through her bent past."

"What I don't like is the control she has over me. The unrelenting steel hand she has wrapped around both my dick and heart. She doesn't know it, but she owns me, and I don't even exist in her world. Christ. In less that thirty minutes, she's disarmed me, fucking breaking down every molecule of who I've been for a while." 

"Death. Though plenty think they are, no one's immune to it. Every breath we take is one step further from our birth.......one step closer to our ultimate dismissal. The Reaper come for each of us, and when he show's up, he lacks prejudice. But fuck if he should be allowed to."

"With a killer personality-one I'm sure she has no idea she possess-and a gorgeous mouth that spits out words like a filthy trucker, Amber was placed on this earth to multiply with me. She's the kind of girl who'll make it impossible to not fall hard and fast for, offering no apologies as she slowly turns yo into the man you never thought you were capable of being. The kind of girl who'll let you see her shadows, but will keep you guessing every time she reveals a new layer of herself, a new path through the maze of her heart. The kind of girl who'll have you begging on your knees, questioning your sanity, faith and reason for continuing to live if you were to ever lose her." 
"When I'm around Amber, every lone I'm not suppose to cross becomes zigzagged, blurring the direction of my moral compass. She blinds me to what I know is wrong, provoking what I'm sure is inevitable. I'm about to commit the sin of all sins: I'm gonna steal Brock's girl right out from beneath him without giving it a second thought."

"Yup. She's my missing half." 

"Ah, I see. Now you have me wondering just how sweet your lies will taste on my tongue." 

"I need all of you." "Every inch. Your heart, soul, your past, present, future. All of it. Say it, Ber, tell me you're mine, baby girl." 

"But even if I've fucked any chance of being with you, I can't say either kiss is something I'll soon forget. I'd kill to experience them over....and over.... and over again." he pulls back slightly, his eye moving across my face. His smile again, and it nearly stops my heart a second time. "Our lips fit perfectly together, and I'm pretty fucking sure you know it. Felt it. Want to feel it again as much as I do. I see it int he way your're looking at me. Those gorgeous eyes hide nothing. Neither does your body. The way your breathing's picking up. The way you're shaking just enough to let me know you want another taste of what I have to...offer." 

"Christ. No doubt I'm in deep, this girl the owner of every filthy, twister beat of my heart."

"Amber Moretti is my blow, my need for her the and worst kind of addiction."

"I'll never be worthy of the girl of flew into my life like an avenging angel, consuming me hard, stealing my heart faster." 

"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You kind of..... complete me."

"Christ, I fucking want you so bad." Ryder whispers hoarsely. He drags his lips back to mine, his kiss urgent, greedy. However, he brings it down a notch, his movements revisiting slow, sensual, worshipping this moment for everything it is. Worshipping me for all I am. '"So badly, peach. More than I've ever wanted anything or anymore. You drive me crazy. Your smell, skin eyes." He sucks my between his teeth, a groan punching from his chest as he runs his fingertips along my bare arms. 
"Your little giggles, pouts, personality. Every single fucked-up scar you own in and out. All of it. All of you." He licks into my mouth, his tongue exploring mine with precision as his hands find my nape, their hold possessive. "Fuck. It should've been me. Not him. Me." 

"Because you're playing with someones mental state. Your actions can ruin their life, murdering their trust in anything real. Your indiscretions might as well be a hand wrapped their throats, squeezing their air frothier lungs. You can kill someone's faith in what love is supposed to be. I shrug again, feeling no different from Charles Manson for what I did to Brock "Murder. Just a tamer definition of the word." 

"If falling in love can turn into a bullet in your skull, what's the point of giving your heart away? Yet how do you stop your heart from reacting to what it needs?" You can't.
The Organ has a mind of its own, disregarding what might be unhealthy for you. Once it's been jolted by the spark, awakened by that all-consuming flame, it plays the dirtiest game of all. With each curious beat of wanting to touch, taste, and feel love, the heart routes all logical thoughts from your brain, siphoning them out of that sucker like a thief, spitting them back our onto a highway piled high with nothing but bloody wreckage.
Causing mass destruction to our mental well-being since the beginning of time, our hearts are public enemy numero uno."

"You're surface happy." He glances at me, his voice soft. "Don't think I can't see through you. I love you,and I want every bit of you happy. Not just the outside." 

"I don't know how you  did it, but you did." he says into my ear, his voice soft, sincere. "I know telling you this in the middle of rush hour traffic isn't cool or romantic, but I love you. I love you something fierce, and it scares the fuck out of me, but I couldn't keep it in any longer. I don't except you to say it back, or even feel the same way about me, but I wasn't about to let another day go by without letting you know that I love you, Amber Moretti." -Brock

"I gotta get the girl out of my head, but how the fuck do I let her go of someone who I feel was made for me?" -Ryder

"As lethal as I am to her, Amber's no less poisonous to me. She knots me up, twisting my emotions sideways. She drums up every inch of my head,  testing my sanity and making me question everything I believe. Her soft, curvy frame, cushioned against mine, hijacks each of my senses." -Ryder

"She can throw a man off balance, leaving him with nothing but tiny fragments of what used to be a pretty sane mind." 

"I think she knows what she does to a man." "How she completely takes over every goddamn thought he owns. Whether he's awake or not, she's there in his head, jacking up his universe. But hell if he want her to stop. He's addicted to her eyes, the way her sweet taste lingers on his tongue, and the way she moves when she's near him." He takes a breath, his barbell peeking out as he licks his lips. "So Fucking in tune with her, he hears the silent call from her body when she craves his touch."  -Ryder

"Because I'd die without you. Thats why. She was a mistake, something I can never erase, But you..Christ, Amber, you'd never become a mistake to me. It's impossible.  Ryder was right; you are a gift. One neither of us deserves. But you're one we'd treasure, making sure to take care of  your every mental and physical need." He drags his lips to mine, kissing me soft, deep. "I fucking love you, Ber. You're the purest air that I have around me. I need you to breathe, to wake up. To just....Exist. You're my lifeline. That's why you are and will always be to me. I need you to know that." 

"Through she's Brock's, the girls supposed to be mine. From the second I saw, something in my gut, a premontition of some sort, told me that. Fuck. I don't know what the hell it was--What the hell it is--it happened and it hasn't let up, its claws digging into the hollow of my chest more with each passing day. Yeah. Way past physical." 

"You have no idea what she's like in bed. The filthy things she says. The way she moves. It's like she was a dude in a former life. She kills it, knowing exactly what to do. No joke, my girl was created to fuck a man into oblivion." 

"Amber's got you hooked, and you have yet to fully experience her." 

"I love you," Brock whispers, something parallel to paranoia surfacing across his expression. "You'll never understand how much I cherish you, baby girl. I'd do anything fir you. Anything."

"You're the most goddamn beautiful thing ever created," he croons, his words spoken soft against my cheek. "I might be a little hemmed ip, but that doesn't mean I can't see straight. I'm positive I'll never come across anything as breathtaking as you." -Ryder

"Asking me not to worry about you is like asking me not take my next breath, Amber." -Ryder

"Christ, I never meant to hurt you." he whispers, his voice cracking as he holds me tighter. "I'd die first before ever trying to hurt you, peach. I'm sorry." -Ryder

"I care more for you that I know I should," I whisper, aware I'm crossing a dangerous line as I press up on my tiptoes, laying my mouth over his. I kiss him soft and slow, my need for the truth growing. "I have from the second you stole that first kiss from me. Your smile, your laugh. The way you love and take care of you family. All of it, Ryder. you're a magnet I know will never stop pulling me to you. even when you're not near me, I can feel you. Hear your voice. See your face in my dreams." "The feelings I have for you scare me. You scare me. But even if I wanted to stop them, I couldn't because I down't want to. I'm tired of fighting what feels....right. You feel right to me Ryder, and I need you in my life. Couldn't imagine it without you." 

"I know you're not mine to claim. Hell, you might not ever be. This I know all too well. But the little bits of you I've got-the beautiful, painful, amazing, Swizzler-Loving, crazy pieces of yourself you've shared with me-mean way too much to my goddamn sanity to give you up." -Ryder

"I need you a hundred times more than I need my next breath, a thousand times more than I need my next heartbeat, and a million times more than I need to wake up to the sun hanging in the sky." -Ryder

"Staring into my eyes as though I'm the only thing that natters, the absolute center of his existence, Ryder kisses me, each soft, slow sweep of his tongue opening my heart to him even more." 

"and I don't care what Brock thinks. Your pussy was made doe me. Not him." -Ryder

"Shh. I have you," he whispers, his gaze moving over my face. "I've always had you, Amber. Always."

"You're mine, Amber." he whispers raggedly against the shell of my ear, his hands cradling the back of my head. Opening his baby blues, he gives me a slow, passionate kiss. "You've always been mine, peach. I think you know it too." My hearts swells with equal parts of confusion, emotion, and my own temporary insanity, my insides lighting up like lighting as my conscience screams that he's right. Though i"ve tried to fight it, Lord know I have, it was a battle fought in vain from the second our worlds collided, our pull to magnetic, strong and powerful to ignore.

"I can't help but fell like we're all standing in the path of a dangerous storm. A storm i'm positive is gonna take one us out-if not all of us-leaving the bloodied remnants of our hearts spread over a field of nothing but pain, hurt, and regret."

"Love changed us-changes the dynamics of everything we ever believed in. Love's pure and selfish. It can make us want things we shouldn't and  hate what it's turned us into. It's giving, greedy, indecisive, vindictive, and magical all at once. It makes us jump from one delusional emotion to the next, all the while patiently keeping us dangling in its malicious yet euphoric web. A web that's laced with beautiful lies and horrible truths. But one thing love remains constant at- the most important feeling it controls in us-is jealousy. When we live someone wholeheartedly, truly can't imagine getting through single day with them, that's when love can show her rage. Once released, love's jealousy can never be taken back, her desire to forget her pain breaking all the rules, uncaring of every obstacle she destroys in her path. It's unlike any God-given emotion we're born with." 




Author Gail McHugh


About the author:

Gail McHugh is the author of the New York Times 

bestsellers Collide and Pulse. She is the 

mother of three beautiful children and has been 

married to her husband for fifteen years.

Maldeamores (Love Sick) by Mara White Blog Tour

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"Exquisitely sensual, Maldeamores is the most unforgettable forbidden romance I have ever read."  Katy Evans, New York Times Bestselling Author of the REAL Series.


"Refreshingly 'taboo' - in a community where we're inundated by novels claiming this title, it's wonderful to finally find a book that not only truly lives up to the word, but is also well written, moving, and beautiful in its prose."   Stylo Fantome, Best Selling Author of the Kane Trilogy.


Belén: I’ve loved Luciano ever since I can remember, desired him before I even knew what it meant. He’s always been the only man in my life—my constant protector, and his rejection only intensifies my need.


Luciano: I’ve never known a love more fierce than the one I feel for Belén. But I force myself to deny her no matter how much it hurts.


Our love is a sickness and both of us are infected.


Because there’s no cure for being from the same family


***Warning***

This novel contains graphic sex scenes, including: incest, F/F, and ménage, M/M/F. Some drug use and violence.   
Add to Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25324885-maldeamores
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Now that Luciano lives in the same building, he comes over all the time. Both he and Titi have a key, and I have one to their apartment that I keep on my key chain.

Our front door opens while I’m sitting at the dining room table doing homework. I look up, expecting to see Mami coming in with the groceries, but instead it’s Luciano and he doesn’t look good.

His lip is swollen and bleedinghis eye took a punch too, and it’s almost closed from the pressure. He’s hurt and it startles me. I stand up and my pen rolls to the floor, but I stay silent, waiting for him to say something first.

"I didn’t think you’d be home," he says. His face is totally straight, lacking any emotion.
"The library was closed for a special event. Was there a fight? Are you okay? You’re bleeding."
He nods and says nothing.

"Let me get you some ice," I say, running to the kitchen.

I put ice in a bowl and run a clean towel under water, then grab some gauze and peroxide from the bathroom and take it all to the living room where he’s sitting.

Kneeling down beside him, I put ice cubes in the wet towel and lift it to his face. I ask permission with my eyes and Luciano gives me a quick nod. He winces from either the cold or the pressure and I put my hand on his chest to calm him. It’s an automatic gesture.
"Does it hurt?" I ask him.

He shakes his head.

His chest feels solid under his T-shirt and touching it does strange things to my body. I try to focus on the task in front of me.

"Titi will kill you," I say, pulling my mind away from his hard chest. "You should try to stay out of fights," I add, resisting the urge to wrap my arms around him or crawl into his lap. Luciano is, and has always been, the only man in my life. I look to him for reassurance all the time, even though we’re almost the same age.

I dab at the gash under his eye that is bleeding the most.

"Easier said than done," he says, and then grabs my wrist hard. I stare at the juncture where his hand meets my arm. His knuckles are white and my skin under his grip is turning bright pink.
My lips immediately part and my stomach fills with unease. I can always read Luciano, but right now I can’t tell what’s happening. He has sweat on his brow and there’s dirt smudged on his face and his arm. He doesn’t release my hand.

"Luciano, you’re scaring me."

He drops my wrist disdainfully and his eyes graze slowly down my body. I glance down at my own chest and suddenly remember that I took my bra off when I got in. I’m wearing a white button-down shirt, unbuttoned a little bit. My nipples are hard from the cold ice in the tea cloth. The shirt brushes over my breasts just enough to make shivers skirt up my back.
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Mara White is a contemporary romance and erotica writer who laces forbidden love stories with hard issues, such as race, gender and inequality. She holds an Ivy League degree but has also worked in more strip clubs than even she can remember. She is not a former Mexican telenovela star contrary to what the tabloids might say, but she is a former ballerina and will always remain one in her heart. She lives in NYC with her husband and two children and yes, when she’s not writing you can find her on the playground.
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"You don't get to choose who you fall in love with and the heart is blind."
Mara White Posted the cover of this book and I had to have it.

Come on with a cover like that you have to know what are hidden among those pages, plus I've read her other books in the Heights of Desire series and completely fell in love with her writing! 
I read the Prologe and seen this at the end...
***Warning***
This novel contains graphic sex scenes, including: incest, F/F, and ménage, M/M/F. Some drug use and violence. 

Let me start off by saying I came into this book with an open mind. 
I usually don't read the whole "forbidden" books because it's just too hard for me to get comfortable with whole situation and really get into the book but knowing what an amazing writer Mara White is, I knew right away I was going to have to keep an open mind and just absorb the love story.
WHOA! I am so freaking glad I did!! 
This book changed my complete mindset regarding the "forbidden" category! 
This story proved to me that I don't need to be so closed minded about the "forbidden" side of the story and at least just give the story a chance because you might be completely blown away, and thats what happened with Belén and Lucky story. 
Mara White completely blew me away with not only her writing skills but her bravery of actually writing this story and releasing it. She deserves a round of applause.
This isn't just a love story. It's a Dark, Raw and Emotional story about just happening to have found the one person that your soul recognizes as you other half and not being able to act on those feelings because its your Cousin...The angst and pain you feel for the characters will have you wanting to rip your own heart out. It's gritty and raw and at times you feel uncomfortable but it's a beautiful master piece all the same, because..

"I think that nobody can help who they love. That shit just happens and you've got figure out how to deal with it. I don't believe it's a choice. Ever." 


Did Belén and Lucky get their happy ending? Guess you are going to have get the book and find out. Trust me you want to find out, because the ending is what MAKES this book! 
The ending completely took me surprise! I am talking about made me hold my breathe and was thinking no this is a joke. Mara White can't be ending it on this note. SHE CANT!!!! But ill be damn if she did. SHE FREAKING DID!!! 

Let me ask you this, Do you love books that leave you wondering what the heck just happened?
Wondering if the author is pulling a huge prank on you?
Do you LOVE when a book leaves you breathless and in complete awe? Well guess what this book is for you! Because Mara White did just that. 
This book is a MUST read! 
Give it a chance and the story will BLOW YOU AWAY! It will leaving you wanting more and wanting to start emailing asking a ton of questions! 

Maldeamores is to be releasing on June 22, 2015

Quotes:
"We're both each others poison, but we're also each other's only antidote." 

"She is raw. Pure emotion. Savagely in love with me and willing to sacrifice whatever it takes."

"When the pen falls into our hands, we can't erase the past. All we're allowed is the chance to create a new ending." 

"I'll die without you," she whispers, her eyes ow out of their daze. "There will never be anyone else for me, Lucky. Ever. I don't want there to be."

"Pretending that I want what everyone else wants. Walking away from Lucky will be my own funeral procession with the real Belén lying dead in the coffin. I'll never let her out for anyone else to see. She's not perfect if she's in love with her cousin. She's defective and so is he."

"Loving you, Bey, she not be something that's hidden from the world. your love should be a privilege, not a dirty secret. I want you to have a happy life, one that you're proud of." 

"I love my pain, Lucky, and I love how it hurts me, When I no longer feel it, it means I've lost my connection to you, and I never want that to happen. I love this pain because it's part of loving you."

"Once I tasted your lips it ruined every other kiss for me. I don't want them. I resent every caress that isn't yours, Lucky. Your touch branded me first and I'm ruined."

"I'm in love with you, Belén. Always have been. I don't want to fuck you-I want to be the first man to make love to you."

"I love him. Lucky. The only one. Finally." 

"Lucky owns every part of me, my past and my future. I don't think moving on is possible. How could I ever want to come on from a love this full and prefect?" 

"I was yours regardless. I always belonged to you."

"We fall asleep together, wrapped in one another's bodies, becoming each other's soft blanket of comfort. I don't know what will happen to us, but no matter what, at least Lucky and I share this same sick love for one another." 

"I'm thinking about Len when the vehicle behind me blows up." 

"Gene mutations I can tell you about Belén. But love, that is the universe;a greatest mystery." 

"My pain from Luciano isn't a sickness-it's a source of magnificent strength, it's the most beautiful part of me."

"I don't consider myself cursed; I consider myself lucky." 

"Len, you are the best and worst thing that's ever happened to me." 

"We love deep down at the bottom of a well, where my glass heart bears his name and neither one of us, ever, feels any shame."

"Luciano takes up all of my heart and is forever a part of me." 

"I promise you, Lucky that no matter what happens-jhere or there-to you or me, nothing else will ever compare to this love. Nothing." 

"We fall asleep together under the sweet, heavy honey, our love buried underneath like a beautiful secret, when we hide from the world. We love deep down at the bottom of a well, where my glass heart bears his name and neither one of us, ever, feels any shame for it." 

"Belén's problem isn;t just that she love you like nothing else, Lucky. It's that she's convinced herself that it's a disorder-that she's somehow abnormal."

"I learned something from him, man. That you fucking know when it's real love and you don't get to choose when or with who it happens. You got to hold onto it, because life is too short." 

""Are you in love, Jaylee?" I ask him as. This is his predicament. He is fighting against love now just like Lucky did his whole life.  
"First time" he says and thumps his fist against his heart."wrong fucking person, who makes everything feel right. You get how that goes, Bey, huh?"

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ARC gratefully received from the author in exchange for an honest review


Friday, June 19, 2015

Cover Reveal & Sneak Peak for Lies in Rewind by Taki Alexander

Find my review for Lies in Rewind Here
My Review of Love in Rewind Here
Also Love In Rewind is on sale right now for .99 cents so go get it if you don't have it already.

Book Trailers 
Chapter 1
(Sara)
Here Comes the Rain Again” by The Eurythmics
It’s official; this is the worst week of my life. How can an educated, self-sufficient woman be this dumb? My stupid ex-husband, Gavin, has just evicted me and announced that he sold our Gramercy Park penthouse. Fuck! After all the things I’ve done for him, after everything we’ve been through, he has the gall to sell my place. I let him keep our flat in London because he promised me I could keep his place in the city. This marriage seemed perfect when he proposed it and is now slowly turning into a nightmare. We were supposed to fool everybody, not mislead each other. As usual, a good deal came along and his promises went out the goddamn window. I know the penthouse was legally his, but since I asked him for nothing from our worthless, bogus marriage or divorce, the prick could’ve at least let me keep the place I’ve been living and calling home for the past year. I’m on the verge of tears as I try to pack up all my shit.
            I still haven’t spoken to Jeffery today. I should probably start figuring out a place to crash for tonight. It’s nice to come back home in the morning from breakfast to find a stranger standing in your house, telling you to pack your crap and go. I’m not moving back with my parents—that’s for sure! If I move in with my brother, Eddie’s wife, Michelle, will somehow inform the whole Upper East Side that her loser sister-in-law has been evicted by her loser ex-husband, and is now officially homeless. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why am I crying? Sara, stop fucking crying. Everything will be all right. But I know that’s just bullshit. There is no freaking way anything will ever be all right for me. Look at my pathetic life; people with half my problems require tons of drugs to survive…I’m beyond drugs. I should go straight into Bellevue and reserve a private suite in the psych ward.
****
I’m in a dark nook at my favorite corner bar. This place is not just a bar, it’s my little secret portal to escape reality and feel the past exuding and mingling with my sad reality, and I feel at home as soon as I sit at my beloved booth. Most of the college students who frequent this place don’t appreciate the fact that William Sydney Porter—AKA O’ Henry—once wrote The Gift of the Magi in this very booth over a hundred years ago. That story of comic irony about foolish lovers and their foolish gifts to one another mirror my own idiotic existence. Thank God I have this little place to come to, a safe refuge to feel sorry for myself and get drunk at least once a week. Bruce, the owner, treats me like his own flesh and blood; truthfully, he treats me better than my own flesh and blood treat me. He would never let me walk home alone to my building around the corner on Irving Place—well, it’s no longer my building, I think dismally to myself as my dire situation becomes abundantly clear.
            Here I am, crying into my Irish cream-spiked coffee, plotting the murders of Gavin—my ex-husband, and Jeffery—the person who’s ruined me and my life forever, while ultimately, trying to understand my own worthless existence. I should text Emily. I pick up my phone, which I’ve set to vibrate just in case Jeffery decides to call, which is my way of ensuring I don’t get any of his calls until I have a plan. But I’ve checked my phone three thousand times since I told him we’re over for the umpteenth time last night, and I can’t believe he hasn’t called or texted me back yet. My phone starts vibrating in my hands—it’s Emily. Emily always has the sixth sense to reach out to me just when I need her most. I really don’t have anybody but her. I’ve lied to her about so many things that sometimes it’s almost impossible for us to stay friends. When I moved to London and married Gavin, I tried to cut all ties with her and we’ve only really started talking again a month ago. Thank God for her; if I didn’t have her to talk to, surely I’d need drugs and much more booze to continue living.
            “Emily!” I say with my fake everything-is-perfect-in-my-world voice.
            “Sara, I’ve been calling your house for hours. I need you pronto! I’ll meet you at your place in a half hour.” She sounds like she’s already on the move. Shit, I don’t have a place anymore. Fuck, what do I tell her? I’m hands-down the shittiest divorce attorney on the planet. I can negotiate properties for my clients that they have no knowledge of, and yet I can’t even negotiate to keep the place I’ve called home for the past year.
            “Emily, wait! Let’s meet somewhere else. Maybe at your house.” I feel like shit! I look like shit! But hey, what choice do I have? I don’t have a home anymore.
            “We can’t meet here! I don’t want Louis or anybody else hearing our conversation.” She whispers into the phone, ensuring nobody overhears her.
            “Are we throwing Louis a surprise party? You know he’s recovering from a heart attack. I don’t think he’ll appreciate a surprise party.” I try to be funny in the hopes of maybe eluding Emily and avoiding her seeing me until I get my shit together.
            “Don’t be stupid, no parties. I have a problem. I need your help,” she answers back, still in a hushed tone.
            We should all have Emily Bruel’s problems. Thirty years old, looks like she’s twenty-one, more money than she could ever spend in one lifetime, two stunning children, the love of a gorgeous husband who had a freaking heart attack because he thought she left him, a supportive family, and drum roll please…the best set of boobs I’ve ever seen. As much as I should hate her, I can’t, I don’t. I’ve always wanted Emily’s life but not in a catty bitchy way, more like in a looking up to your sister kind of way. I always imagined my life would somehow unravel and fall into place the way her life has. She is the kindest best friend any girl could ask for. I wish her the world, and I know she wishes me the same. I love her, plain and simple. I would do anything for that girl. People like Emily get a happily ever after. Liars like me deserve pain-in-full, and I have plenty of that.
            “I was actually about to text you,” I tell Emily as I marvel to myself at her uncanny ability to always know to check up on me at my lowest point.
            “A song I hope?” she says and I can hear the smile in her voice.
            “Yep,” I answer, smiling back.
When Emily and I grew apart, it was hard not being able to just say the name of a song to someone and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they got me. Emily and I created our own language. The song lyrics would do the talking for us. We are so completely in sync with each other that we don’t have to elaborate on our feelings or experiences further than just mentioning the title of a song and who sang it and boom—the other person knows exactly what’s happening.
“Okay, now you can tell me instead of texting me. Is everything okay, are you still in bed? You sound a little off,” she questions as she senses my state of devastation over the phone. If she only knew how off I really was. I don’t think there’s a song out there that could depict how fucked up my life currently is.
Here Comes the Rain Again by Annie Lenox was the best I could give her.
“Are you drunk? Why did you just say that? Oh my God, Sara, did you just say that ‘Here Comes the Rain Again’ is by Annie Lenox? You know that the song is by The Eurythmics!” I could almost hear the alarm bells sounding off in her head. That’s how well I know my friend.
“Well, Annie Lenox sang it, so technically it’s by Annie Lenox.” Who was I kidding; my subconscious just sold me out.
“Where are you?” she asks in her no-nonsense voice.
Physically and emotionally I’m in Hell, but I tell her, “Pete’s Tavern…it’s this little—” she doesn’t let me finish.
“I know where it is, I’ll be right there.” And she hangs up.
            Great! I should’ve told her I wouldn’t be staying here for long. This place is not Emily’s style. Okay, I guess we’ll need to address my problems first before I get to hear about hers. Here we go, when she sees me, she’ll go into her Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Judge Judy mode on me. Fuck! She will zero in on all my issues and see right through me. My life just keeps getting worse.
****
Half an hour later, Emily Bruel walks into Pete’s as if she’s a regular. Even in leggings and a T-shirt, she’s stunning. I can see her eyes widen and her mouth form a “what the fuck” expression when she starts walking my way and spots my luggage scattered on the floor all around the O’ Henry Booth I’m occupying. I try to smile as brightly as I can so that maybe she won’t notice the bags, the weight loss, the red eyes, and my colored hair.
            “Sara, did you forget to tell me something? Are you in the witness protection program, or are you bailing on me, again?” she asks with wide, worried eyes, staring at me in shock and awe.
            “No, Gavin had me evicted this morning after I wouldn’t give him the keys to the apartment a few weeks back. He sold it, and well…legally it still has his name on it, and since we’re no longer married, I don’t have any rights to be there. And to answer your question, I never had that officially changed because he promised me I could stay in New York and live in his apartment as long as we get our divorce settled quickly.” I know what she’s thinking. I know I fucked up because I didn’t want to deal with reality. I trust people and believe their empty promises, letting them take advantage of me. While my job is to protect everybody else, I always somehow fail to protect myself.
            “Okay, so what’s the plan? Where are you planning on staying? You know you can always stay with us if you’d like.” She finally slides inside the booth to sit down. She reaches out her hand and we lace our fingers together. It feels soothing to have another human comfort me, and yet an overwhelming amount of guilt blooms in my gut when I look at our joined hands.
            “No, you and Louis are still working out your own shit, you don’t need me there. I was thinking I’d crash at the Pla—” Oh shit, I was about to say the Plaza. That’s the place where Emily caught Louis with some ho. That was the place where the shit hit the fan and started a massive shit storm for the Bruels. “I mean, The Pierre. You know The Pierre is my favorite hotel in New York.” Emily’s eyes close for a second as I see pain etched in her pursed lips, and I knew my big, stupid mouth fucked me up once again.
            “Was the song for Jeff? Are you guys still, you know…together?” She manages to flip a switch and change the subject back to me.
            “Yeah, I guess every song is about Jeffery. My heart wants any part of him that he is willing to give me. Apparently, the only part he wanted to share with me is his penis,” I say with a wicked grin as we both finally crack a smile. Conversations about Jeff and myself never end well. I should therefore try to avoid them at all cost like I always do. The truth is, I sometimes don’t even know what’s true and what’s a lie when it comes to Jeffery Rossi.
            “Sara, he’ll never leave her. They’ve been married for years and they have kids, and you know who her parents are. He isn’t going anywhere.” She sounds sincere and I know she means well, but if she only knew the truth. When it comes to my heart, there are only two people who are in the know. It has always been that way and that is how it needs to always stay.
            “Emily, I know. I’ve had a front row seat to his life. I know what’s important to him… Anyway, can we drop this shit? What did you want to talk to me about?” I need this Jeff conversation to stop. Talking about him won’t change anything. I see the pity pass in Em’s narrowed eyes, and I don’t need her pity. I did this to myself.
            “I know I keep telling you this, but something great is waiting for you. ‘Don’t Stop Believin’’ by Journey. You will find happiness even if it’s not with Jeffery Rossi.” Happiness without JJ is not happiness, it’s purgatory, and I know it all too well.
            “Okay, my optimistic BFF. It’s Friday, I have the day off today, so spill the beans.” I need to hear someone else’s problems. I’m sure I’m about to hear an I-need-to-find-a-new-nanny story that in Emily’s world is the equivalent to mayday.
            Emily looks around the empty bar as if making sure the drunks don’t hear us, and whispers almost inaudibly, “I met a man while I was in St. Lucia running away from my overactive imagination.” I’m not sure I heard her right.
            “What?!” Okay, so maybe I keep misjudging my best friend. Clearly she’s not as innocent as I think she is. This should be interesting; drama that, surprisingly, doesn’t belong to me.

About Author
“Nothing really to tell, what you see is what you get.”

I am every woman out there that has fantasies in her head. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a wife, a lover, a mother, and a friend. I happen to also be a Doctor of Pharmacy and a business owner by day, and now a writer by night. Writing and reading help me escape the scary world we live in. I hope my stories help readers experience many different emotions and ultimately, I hope I make them smile…
Writing keeps me sane. I hope reading does the same for you.

Links
Love in Rewind - Amazon
Lies in Rewind to be released June 26th 2015
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